To a feminist, patriarchy is an unjust social system that is harmful to both men and women. It often includes any social, political or economic mechanism that evokes male dominance over women. Meanwhile, sexism refers to prejudice, stereotyping or discrimination typically against women based on sex. Sexism in language is an offensive reminder of the way the culture sees women. Back to base …
Internalized patriarchy or internalized sexism is a term used when an individual exhibits learned sexist behavior towards themselves and people of their sex. Women are most often the custodians /gatekeepers of internalized patriarchy. Mothers who have internalized patriarchy deeply do not know the wrongs in their perspective. They coerce their kids (females especially) to fall in line and follow certain notions that uphold toxic patriarchal norms. The psychological fear of not falling in line and sticking out is instilled in us early which holds men in a position of power. Below are some commonly heard statements of women who unconsciously practice internalized patriarchy.
“Don’t tell anyone you have been raped, it’s such a shameful thing” “We can’t accept this relationship/marriage because the girl has had kids out of wedlock” “I know my husband molested my cousin but he is my husband and I can’t testify against him”…
These sets of women would always/first of all, see a fault with their fellow women whenever there is a misunderstanding between both sexes (in case of marital squabbles) because to them the man is always right (besides, culture and society say so). Mind you, I am not in any way saying women don’t go wrong, but these custodians of patriarchy are rarely fair in their judgments. These sets of women would always see a reason to blame the victim and not the culprit. These and many more are examples of unconscious internalized patriarchal attitudes.
Shockingly, these statements are not coming from misogynist men. Here, women are agents. These ones believe they are never wrong. They know that what had happened or is happening is wrong but they have internalized it all. This happens to us all. It is true that we are gradually attaining equality in the public sphere but then, what about patriarchy within the four walls of our houses which we have normalized? What about the undying tree of patriarchy in our minds that has become so normal to us that we accept it and even pass it on to others. The incidents have become so common that we don’t even realize that these are the little aspects holding us back and not even the misogynist men.
Hey! I am not blaming women. The internalization of patriarchy is not a fault on their part but an unnecessary and toxic legacy women are carrying on as a result of Culture. We don’t even realize the moment patriarchy becomes part of our identity as women so much that we term its compulsions as choices.
The seeds of internalized patriarchy are usually sown throughout a woman’s life. As children, girls are given toys that aim to build reproductive and community roles in them. They are told that they have to learn how to cook not as a personal survival skill but because the “kitchen is her first office and she has to cook for her husband and children”. This reminds me of a time I told a friend that cooking isn’t one of my hobbies and I don’t find much pleasure in it. Her reply was what I found very disturbing; she asked me how I was going to cope when I get married and was less concerned about how I was coping presently (considering that cooking is a survival skill). Her reply is enough to show how patriarchy has been instilled in women so much so that, no one really cares about how we are doing personally. Their only concern is if we are good enough to be wives/mothers.
Growing up, the tale of shame becomes a woman’s identity, as she is told that menstruation is nasty. She is asked to silence her menstrual cramps as some “shameful pain” which can only be shared with women. We all know that wrapping our sanitary napkins in black plastic is not necessary and that menstruation is normal yet, how many of us would restrict the shopkeeper from doing so? That is where we internalize patriarchy because we abide by society’s belief that anything related to menstruation is nasty and should be kept discreet even when it’s unused.
Cameroon, Africa, and the world at large is moving one step at a time towards acknowledging female rights. But even today the question arises is, “are those around you letting you follow your dreams? I am a feminist and have been told countless times by supposedly “concerned family members and friends”, to stop my advocacy with the main reason being I am still young and would scare possible suitors with the kind of content I put up. It is clear that their major concern isn’t supporting what I find joy in doing but rather, in making sure I don’t miss out on the “most important thing” which to them is marriage and what would make me whole.
Often, ambitious women are asked to take a break from their professional lives so that, they can perfectly fit into what society terms a “good woman or wife” It’s usually not a choice they make at the time, but a subconscious compulsion. It comes under a veil of choice -a result of internalized patriarchy.
Internalized patriarchy in marriage. Have you ever wondered why the word marriage scares most young ladies? The reason is the perception built in our minds about marriage. The idea that it’s a journey of no return, for better and for worst, even in the face of violence. The idea that it’s a place of endurance and the sole responsibility of the woman to make it work, by sticking and praying even when her partner is resistant to change. Maybe young girls wouldn’t be so scared about marriage if we are simply told that marriage is the beginning of a new relationship with both partners focusing on loving themselves and doing what’s right, and not heap roles on us.
Another aspect of internalized patriarchy is the “age ” factor in a marriage, that takes utmost priority. The age to get married has to be perfect i.e she has to be a ripe youth before saying "I do". This pressure is heaped on many ladies to get married before that estimated time passes. Even if it means getting married to someone who they aren’t compatible with.
Patriarchy surrounding motherhood. I term this the identity role. The one without which the lady is seen as “incomplete”. The biggest example of internalized patriarchy lies here. Care, concern, and compassion are human traits yet, with the birth of a baby, the above traits are seen as the woman’s role and the man is only asked to ‘help’ if he wishes. The fear of motherhood before marriage and the fear of No choice from motherhood after marriage haunts almost all women (women not having a say over their bodies when it comes to birth control/abortions ).
The above points show how patriarchy is being internalized in us and how we unconsciously its custodians /gatekeepers. I hereby, urge both sexes(women especially) to see the reason for themselves and dismantle patriarchy. Note: because you’re a woman is never a reason to do or to not do something. Rather, every decision you make should come as a result of choice and not ascribed Gender roles.
#Dont be an enabler of the patriarchy # Follow your dreams and don’t shrink for someone else to shine because the sky is wide enough to accommodate all our stars Happy women’s month !!
Chiara Manjo.