There is this new thing I noticed during the past year maybe because I wasn’t attentive to it before, I can’t tell. I noticed a lot of men in my generation preaching about the kingdom of marriage and who (woman) is worthy or not to enter this kingdom. Every man I have come across seems to be a degree holder when it comes to this and we all know what the usual requirements are.
For almost one year I kept coming across videos and posts of men telling us how a woman should or should not behave in order to be wife material, and some of them even went to the extent of insulting and demeaning women who did not follow these “golden rules”.
What I find interesting is how much you make marriage feel like the greatest achievement of a woman and how we should be grateful to you for giving for giving us the privilege. Coming across such posts and comments over and over had a certain effect on me that I noticed only when the built-up was too much for me to contain.
A mix of very negative feelings: pain, betrayal, disappointment, anger and even hate. I looked at how insulting and ruthless some of you were when addressing women and how much you have objectified us to the extend where a woman’s feelings truly doesn’t count. If we are not a virgin you call us sluts, if we say what we think or feel you call us disrespectful, if we don’t accept to be treated in a certain way then you call us feminists, and so on.
We, women, literally must mold ourselves into whatever is pleasing to a you, but what about us? Not to mention the fact that women go through horrible things in marriage, imagine yourself being molded your whole life for a future that will only bring you pain.
I grew up with such a beautiful image of the Cameroonian or African man. The protector, provider, pillar et j’en passe. But then at some point I got to see the reality of things and you have no idea how hurt and betrayed I felt, I could not understand how these people who were to protect, love and cherish us turned out to be so ruthless and selfish, refusing to give us our due and forgetting that the woman carries the world in her hands.
A feeling of betrayal so deep that all it left behind was pure hatred, so much that I told myself that I’d rather live with a racist man than with my fellow African man, this man I so dreamed of protecting us and standing up for us but who ended up selfishly betraying us making us feel worthless and unaccepted.
People will take our mothers and grandmothers as example saying that their marriages lasted so long because they obeyed and kept quiet, but many will fail to see how unhappy and depressed they truly were. Many could not dare to leave because they had nowhere else to go and no way to care for their kids on their own, so they stayed for the sake of their children.
Is happiness not what everyone aspires to? Then what is the purpose of marriage if all it brings you is pain? Don’t come talking about the western world’s influence on our way of thinking if you are not ready to explain why the Samburu women of Kenya decided to leave separated from men even though they have had very little contact with westerners.
You men have let us down.
Yamdjeu Ngandeu
Yamdjeu Ngandeu is a student in Architectural Engineering Technology student. She is 23years old Lady who is passionate about mental health and how it affects the African community.