Most Africans share the story of a dad who was always first in his class until we grow up and realize that someone must have been telling a lie then we chose to subconsciously downplay the seriousness of that lie, probably planning to tell the same lie to our kids.
Being a high context culture, the relationship between parents and their children in Cameroon constitutes a high power distance. The parents give the orders and the kids are supposed to follow without doing any questioning. Lately, with more exposure to the world beyond Cameroon, I am seeing a lot of change- kids and their parents now having more open conversations even though the topics of discussion continue to revolve around safe zones.
This one way communication channel in the family setting is the major cause of immature comportment among Cameroonian adults who do not benefit from the living experiences of their fathers. Fathers who are scared to open up about their fears, past failures, insecurities, and mistakes hold back valuable life lessons; their kids go out and make the same mistakes they made.
Every now and then, parents will dish out some good advice about what to do and what not to do but that never sticks because like I always say - we don’t remember facts, we remember stories. Personally, all the good advise I have kept upon hearing came with a story attached. For every piece of advice I have received that did not come with a supporting story, I have had to go through an experience for it to stick. I have had to create the story.
A friend of my dad, one of the greatest fathers I know, refused a high paying international job and the main reason he told me was in order to be by his son during the most delicate years of his formation (university). Many fathers might not have the financial freedom to make such decisions but if many would just think about the role of a father in the development of the male child in that way, they will make many other adjustments that can ensure a healthy upbringing of their sons.
Many of us are probably still trying to know our parents better. I once asked my dad why he never talks to me about his life and he told me because I never ask. Somehow the history of our relationship made it difficult to ask, I just felt that I will be told what I need to know but that was just the childish tendency to look at your father like a god, somebody perfect. As parents and as children, we can all do better. For some the road to do better will be long and for others it will be short but regardless of the road it starts by asking questions and doing.
Here are a few questions to ask your dad that can get him talking, teaching you some good life lessons in the process. I am sure these questions can be applied to the mother-daughter relationship.
1. What was your relationship with your father like? 2. What’s your philosophy on fatherhood? 3. Have you ever quit anything before? 4. What’s your secret to building true friendships? 5. How do you discover new ways to do something i.e. did you brainstorm and put in on paper, did you daydream etc.? 6. Have you ever been fired before? 7. What are key ingredients for strengthening a family? 8. Do you have any regrets for something you wish you would have done? 9. How do you deal with criticism? 10. What are the three things in life to never do? 11. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness? 12. What are the top three things that you stand for? 13. What are you most grateful for? 14. Which mistakes taught the greatest life lessons? 15. When did you realize you were no longer a boy? 16. Do you believe snitching is a good or a bad thing? Have you ever snitched on a friend? 17. Which do you have more of courage or integrity? 18. Are you living your dream or are you chasing it? 19. Do you consider cooking and cleaning a woman’s work? 20. What’s your strategy for taking major risks? 21. If you were to win the lottery how would you spend the money? 22. Who were your best friends and why? 23. What has been your greatest struggle? 24. How would you define a fathers role at home? 25. How important is personal appearance? 26. What traditions your father pass on to you and you passed to your children? 27. Why did you marry mom? 28. Why did you divorce mom? 29. How do you get to do what you want regardless of the odds? 30. What habits do you have that are not aligned with your core values? 31. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? 32. How has being consistent changed your life? 33. What are your favorite childhood memories? 34. One thing you wanted to hear your father say to you? 35. How much money is enough? 36. How much education is enough? 37. Which was more important to you being a father or being a husband? 38. What has been your greatest accomplishment? 39. What has been your strategy in challenging your children to do more? 40. What was your vision and purpose for your children? 41. Were you a giver or a taker?