The intimacy of having someone in your house – sometimes even living in your house – who not only cares for your children but also sees the piles of bills on your kitchen table, all your dirty laundry and personality weaknesses can blur the boundary between employer and employee. And it makes sense! When you are trusting nannies to help raise your children, how can you not get into their lives too?
The mum-nanny relationship is one of the most emotional and morally charged relationships a mother will ever have. It is often fragile and fraught with unresolved issues. For most millennial women, the relationship can be very delicate. Loaded with guilt for leaving their kids and stressed out that things aren’t been done their way, mums dance a nanny tango that is rarely graceful.
Now here is the thing: We are demanding much more from our nannies than women did decades ago. Most working mums and are not looking for baby sitters but partners in caregiving. The reason why nannies are usually treated like family because mums believe ‘If I love her, she will love my children and be good to them.’ All a mother wants is for her children to be happy, engaged and loved by any individual spending a lot of time with them.
For that reason, most mums I know would go out of their way to do everything for their nannies; paying them huge salaries, securing resident documents in foreign countries, teaching them high-end skills like driving and even representing them in court. Most women I know do not take advantage of nannies by underpaying, overworking or abusing them. I am not saying there aren’t a bunch of women out there who would not make that list.
In 3 years, I have had 3 nannies with 7 months no-nanny break in between. My experience seemed to be an epidemic of ill-luck with nannies for the most part. From the weird French speaking nanny who refused to join our family morning devotions to the good and perfect up-north girl who decided to get scammed with a marriage proposal to another up-north girl who disappeared with her clothes after leaving a trail of ‘he said/she said’ to give my family a tower of Babel aftermath experience. I finally decided I was going to take care of my kids all by myself and if I was ever going to have another nanny, the rules of the game were going to change.
From my experience nanny dramas can move from subtle to fatal with many people ending up physically wounded and even dead. From child kidnapping, child molestation, child poisoning, home breaking, husband snatching, the list is long. My friend’s nanny actually audaciously locked her outside raining insults and threats to her family. Walai! The whole neighborhood was in a panic.
From My experience; these are the three things you should do if you want to employ a nanny.
First, conduct an interview based on your standards and a background check. Do not recruit anyone as a nanny just because you need to work and end some money to take care of your family. Ask them trick questions like “what will you do if/when….? Get information on previous nanny/maid/help/ caregiver experiences? Call their former employers and ask questions if you can.
I like creating real-life situations when I interview house helps like serve them drinks/food and watch what they will do when they finish or let the kids into the sitting room while she is there waiting to be interviewed. If they are going to spend so much time with your child, chances are the children will be learning a language, grammar, accents, behaviour, and many others. You need to prioritize your children’s needs.
Secondly, we must understand a nanny is a domestic employee. She works in the caregiving department of your home. Being an employee, she deserves a written and signed contract with a specified job description, perks and bonuses based on performance, salary raise terms, leaves and a holiday. How does a nanny work for you for 3 years with the same salary?
Most mothers think by calling a nanny ‘my daughter’ and making her feel like she is part of the family is a guarantee that she is going to pay you back with good behavior and years of service. I understand that we are all “one in Christ’ but we must be able to differentiate relationships in life so as to avoid disappointments. She is not your daughter, she is your employee.
Lastly, Don’t go saying a prayer of thanks for a moment of rest or obtaining a passport to laziness and negligence because you FINALLY found a maid. Once you get one, you start sleeping with one eye closed. You must be watchful. I know a model lady; a businesswoman, a weaver, a farmer, a fashionista and a charitable woman yet she got up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and planned the work for her servant girls. This lady is the lady from Proverbs chapter 31.
It is good to spell out the job description in clear terms but also asses and update regularly. At work, we hold monthly, weekly and daily meetings for the smooth functioning of the company. How many times do we have formal meetings with our nannies to discuss home affairs?
All the above doesn’t guarantee for long service but as a domestic employer, you must be professional. A nanny-mummy relationship is not perfect. There are no formal schools training nannies so as no formal schools training wives or mothers so give way from some mistakes and correct lovingly. Do you need a caregiver, a house manager, a governess, a baby sitter or a house help?
As much as we use these terms loosely without differentiating, a simple search on google will prove that one person cannot usually be all that under the banner ‘NANNY’. Be kind and treat them right while hoping that they will, in turn, fulfill their responsibilities.
Ewenye Mbesa M
. Ewenye Mbesa Moffah is a wife, mother, and teacher who is passionate about women's empowerment, fashion, and history. She loves to inspire and encourage women facing different social challenges in their relationships and homes. Through her experience and that of women she's mentored, she offers practical approaches with biblical insights on how to overcome these women-related challenges. Follow her on IG through @mboti_culture to learn more.