I’ve had to start over many times in my life: two major times and a couple of other times in between. Moving back to Cameroon some five years ago was one of those times. I landed in Douala with about 160,000 FCFA on me, music equipment, and a dream. I have to add the clothes and shoes I was wearing to make it look like a lot. I was changing everything in my life. Where I live, what I eat, what I do for work, and the people I hang out with.
Imagine transitioning from a life in Tampa, Florida, to sharing a one-bedroom apartment with my sister in Mendong, Yaounde. It sounds easier now that I am writing about it, but when I think of it, it is a challenging thing to do, and that is why many people have locked themselves in a corner, wasting away the better parts of their lives trying to make something that is a no-go work. The fear of starting over is real, and maybe I can help you get out of that deadlock situation.
When you look at how I got into music, you won’t imagine that I will step away from it again. Sometimes we are lost and we start following any signal we see so that we can get out of where we are currently. Probably music was that for me. I would have made a decent artist, but at some point, I had to ask myself if that was what I wanted to do or if it was just my way of escaping another reality. Even deciding to quit pursuing a career as a recording artist was difficult. Some of you have even shaded me on here that I failed as an artist, and you do that every time I try to critique someone else’s work. There have been times when those comments have wanted to make me go back to the studio to prove a point, but I’m over proving a point now.
“I have been a failure all my life to many people, until I was not. I am still a failure to many people until I am not. I have failed people and I have failed myself many times, but I am not a failure.” Read that quotable two times over, and you will see the root cause of the fear of starting over, which I can otherwise call the what other people will think syndrome. I believe uncertainty in what may be ahead plays a role, but we always tend to exaggerate the severity of the outcome in our minds, which in a way amplifies that voice that keeps asking us what others will think.
Take someone you are sure you don’t like, then think about how many times a day you think of that person. You will realize that without a trigger, you may go for months without thinking about that person. Each of us has a lot going on in our personal lives, and we hardly spend much time thinking about people we don’t like and what they are up to now. So, when next you are worried about what people will think, know that your mind is exaggerating your importance in other people’s lives.
It is also important to realize that the mind sometimes makes you think that starting over is accepting defeat, but it is your mind, and you can always condition it to think for your good. Consider starting over as an acknowledgment of the lessons learned. I’d like to use Gladwell’s 10,000 hours rule to say that if you can learn a new skill to an expert level in 10,000 hours, then in 10,000 hours, you can also completely turn your life around.
That Said –
Starting over does not mean running away from the problems you currently have. It is rather about facing them and addressing them, knowing that they can shape but not define your future. So in the short run, it might look like you are lost or you have lost, but you have to remember that you are only paying your dues for the new life you want to create for yourself.
The best way to start over is by stepping backwards and taking a temporary L. Having to start over means we are coming from a position of need, and that is a vulnerable position. In that position, you need a support system that many of us can find in friends and family. Sometimes, we may have burned bridges with the people who could have helped us the most, so starting over should begin with reaching out to those people and appreciating them for the times you took them for granted. Not everyone will take you back, but most will at least forgive you, and that is enough to liberate you mentally.
Lastly, to make the process less painful, you need to do something that allows you to see progress easily. For two years, I was in the studio almost every day making beats. The little improvements I made daily, learning to play some guitar, and finally being able to record my self-produced songs, made me feel like I was not useless. I was getting better at something. So even if other parts of my life were a mess, there was something I was doing where real progress could be seen. So try learning a new skill when you are starting over.
